I saw it when it happened. This old Mess Sergeant happened to walk by the cauldron of mashed potatoes. Maybe – what? – 50 gallons or whatever of mashed potatoes. (They cook in BIG lots in the Army of the United States. Yes Sireeee!). Boiling hot it was. Like molten lava maybe. All mashed and ready to serve – piping hot and like to scald your innards. And he had this bar of soap you see – was on his way to the sink and somehow, someway, the hand is quicker than the eye, this bar of soap popped out of his hairy mitt and arced right through the air so nice – to go PLOP! Right in the cauldron of mashed potatoes.
For a moment he sought or thought to dip it out – but it was melting before his (our) very eyes (though he did not know I was watching from stage left…). In no time at all it had gone all soft and drippy – like a pat of butter – and soon just disappeared altogether. He shrugged his shoulders and moved on. A ‘kitchen helper’ then appeared all unknowingly and began to stir the cauldron with a big wooden ladle – maybe three feet long or so.
Done deal.
The chow line had formed – the grub was being dished out – and the cauldron was rolled forth in due course and its contents ladled scoop by scoop in each passing tray.
Sigh.
(We on KP ate separately and more fastidiously as it were – so I managed to eschew mashed potatoes that night).
Along about 3:00 a.m. a few groans began to disturb the barracks. Guys heading for the latrine posthaste, etc. By six a.m. it was a major disaster. Someone woke Depp.
“What are you animals doing in my latrine?” was his first query.
The Squad leaders gathered together and told Depp, “Sarge, there is no more toilet paper.”
“No toilet paper?” he roared. “What are you people doing with all MY toilet paper?”
Since the answer was quite apparent – Depp went up to Company Headquarters. Soon the first of the trucks arrived from the Quartermasters – and pushed off huge boxes of toilet paper in front of each barracks…
"We've got the cholerer in camp -- it's worse than forty fights;
We're dyin' in the wilderness the same as Isrulites.
It's before us, an' be'ind us, an' we cannot get away,
An' the doctor's just reported we've ten more to-day!"
I want to tell you maybe less than a quarter of the Company turned out that morning for Reveille. The ranks were decimated. All down the Company Street were scattered large 1000-roll cardboard cartons of toilet paper. Some were askew and unopened – others had been opened and partly emptied…
The latrines are best left undescribed.
Well, believe it or not, the offending mess sergeant was found out at last – or maybe he even confessed, I can’t recall. He was admonished (mostly mildly as I recall). But for a long time after, he was regarded as a virtual Pariah in Charlie Company, I can tell you that!
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